I Bought Dead Space And Played A $4 Horse Stroking Game Instead

The Dead Space Remake is one of the best remakes of all time. It’s got all the graphics and the story and whatnot. It’s clearly set the pace for 2023. 10/10.

I’d assume. I dunno. I haven’t played it yet. It’s downloaded! It’s ready to go! But I haven’t had a chance to crack into it. Because I bought it at the same time as a $4 horse stroking game and played that instead.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I knew this was stupid. But I still had $150 in PlayStation store credit from Christmas, and the best stupid ideas are built on gift cards. Sure, if it was my $150, I’d be careful about it. But since it’s someone else’s $150 that just happens to be in my account and under my name, I can spend it on a $4 horse stroking game.

I had planned on playing Dead Space this weekend, so I spent $70 of my store credit on that first. It downloaded to my PS5 and sat waiting for my delicate fingers to rip apart necromorphs, a name for monsters that is not at all on the nose.

But then I saw Stroke The Horse. It only cost $4. How can you not buy a game called ‘Stroke the Horse’ for $4? How can you not buy any game for $4? This is truly a problem that affects all of humanity and not me specifically. If I see something that looks like absolutely trash meant to part a fool from his money, I will stand tall and say, “I am that fool.”

You might be wondering: What is Stroke The Horse about? Why’s your player character’s motivation for stroking the horse? Do you want to download the PS5 version or the PS4 version? What the Hell is happening? Why did God let this be made?

Because Achievements. Which I’m going off the name of with what I’m assuming is the game’s developer, Gamre Achievements. Not a typo. At least, not my typo. And that’s basically what the whole game is. You click the X Button and every 25 clicks, you get an Achievement, or rather, a Trophy. It’s that hilariously fucking stupid. It’s just an Achievement clicker. For $4. With a horse. That you stroke.

There’s not even, like, a badly-animated rancher gently petting the horse on the screen while whispering, “Shh, shh, shh, it’s alright.” It’s just a picture of a horse that darkens and lightens while you press X. It’s the first video game in history whose instruction page is more entertaining than the game itself.

I’m sorry, but then “Have fun!” at the end is hilarious. As is, “Stroke the cow, that is pretty much all there is to it.” As is every other section of this page. Every spelling error, every typo, every clearly-left-in-from-another-game piece of text. Just absolutely perfect.

Why did I buy this game in addition to Dead Space? I don’t know. How long did I spend with it? You’ve already asked a lot of questions in this article.

There’s just something absolutely wonderful about finding cheap shit shovelware that’s intended to boost one’s Achievements. It’s like opening an unmarked, old book and finding it’s full of fire ants. You didn’t know what to expect – but it wasn’t that! Not fire ants!

Sure, I’ll eventually play the Dead Space remake. As I’ve said, I know it’s supposed to be great. And you know what? I honestly believe it is. Again, that’s why I spent (technically) someone else’s money on it. But who can resist the siren call of this $4 horse game? Its purity is unbreakable. It’s an idiotic cash grab made by cynical people and I love every little bit of it.

Apparently there are a lot of games that let you “stroke the [animal].” At least, that’s what the folks on the old internet tell me. They’ve said there’s a whole farm of achievements you can unlock by just spamming the X button like it means something.

But I think I’m good with the $4 horse. I think.

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