We Played Super Fight, A $200 Steam Game, So You Don’t Have To

There’s an indie game on Steam that costs $200 for a 71mb download – that’s $2.80 per megabyte. I downloaded and played it to completion in the space of five minutes. I’ve never hated myself more than I do right now.

Super Fight is a side scrolling beat ‘em up for people who love Streets of Rage and despise having money. It’s cobbled together entirely from pre-made Unity assets that you can buy for around half the price of Super Fight itself. The background is a JPG.

Here’s the Steam description:

“This game is a retro style game, can use fist and leg attack, can defense, can jump, the scene in addition to the enemy, there are some objects that can be destroyed, there are props.This game contains a block scene, including several different types of enemies, as well as some weapons to choose from, including bat, pistol, knife and so on.”

See, this got me interested. I’m all about block scenes. I love using fist and leg to attack. Jumping? Video games wouldn’t be what they are today without Mario hopping on goombas. Pistols, guns, and bats are that real shit. Can defense? Hell yeah, I can.

So obviously I downloaded it and booted it up.

The first thing you see is a character select screen. No main menu, no music. Just two dudes – Nathan and Jason – being dudes. Apparently they both have unique stats, but I’m convinced they don’t.

After choosing a character, the music kicks in – an annoying, looped track that makes you want to push a chopstick into your ear. Then you’re off to kick and punch approximately 15 identical punk rockers directly in the face.

As the description says, you can, in fact, “defense”, and there are bats, pistols, knives, and so on. You can also kick oil drums that sometimes drop health-giving bananas. The developer should have put that in the description – gamers love bananas.

You do all of this through your keyboard, since there’s also no controller support. The arrow keys move you about, spacebar jumps, and Z, X, C control punching, kicking, and blocking. Blocking in this game is completely pointless, but it was part of the asset bundle, I guess. At least you have a key to hold down when your soul inevitably tries to escape its flesh prison.

When you complete the level you’re greeted with a screen: “level complete, tap to restart”. So I did, and it put me back at the beginning of the level with the same character. There’s no pause menu, no way to choose the other character without rebooting the game entirely. You’re just trapped, forever punching 15 identical punk rockers until you tap to start again or alt-tab out, shut down your PC, step outside, feel the rain on your skin. You are alive.

I wanted to find out more about the developer, and so I clicked the website link on the Steam page. That link sent me straight to Sina Weibo, which is essentially Chinese Twitter. I have no idea why or if the page I landed on was relevant.

Super Fight is a big old scam, and you definitely should not, under any circumstances, pay $200 for it. In fact, $1 is approximately $1 too much. But because the Steam community is the way it is, the game somehow has “mixed” reviews. Here’s one:

“One day people will treat this game with the reverence that it truly deserves and that is to be spoken about with the same respect as we speak about the Mona Lisa and the Sistine Chapel.”

According to the stats on that review, 155 people found it helpful. 144 people found it funny. Me? I just want to enter an eternal, dreamless sleep. I want to embrace the abyss and wrap myself in darkness. No thoughts. No memories. No Super Fight. Sweet dreams, everyone. Sweet dreams.

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