The Game Awards has a surprising amount of traditions for something that’s essentially an excuse to show off game trailers for three hours along with the occasional award thrown in. These include a visit from a Muppet, an overly long musical performance from someone who has only a fleeting connection to video games, and some kind of awkward cross-promotion with an online or mobile game (it’s time for Wooper watch y’all!)
But this year revealed a new tradition. One that we all didn’t think had become a tradition but now must remain a constant feature of The Game Awards going forward. That would be Vin Diesel randomly showing up to announce a new game that looks awful. It started in 2019 and continued this year. And it has to keep going forever because it’s too damn hilarious.
The Game Awards Need To Run On Diesel Power
When you’re doing a show that’s nothing but game trailer after game trailer you would think that saving the absolute best or biggest announcement for last would make sense. That way your viewers stay tuned for the entire duration of the stream so they can see the exclusive World Premiere that’s going to cap off the event.
Well, that’s not how The Game Awards does things. In 2019, instead of having the show conclude with the unveiling of the Xbox Series X or a trailer for Final Fantasy VII Remake or Ghost Of Tsushima, it brought the world this:
Yes, the final announcement for the show that’s all about game announcements was for Fast & Furious: Crossroads. Now, admittedly, we gave that game a pretty solid review. But many other reviewers gave it some less than glowing scores. It currently sits at a big red 35 on Metacritic, which seems a tad harsh. It probably deserves a respectable yellow 52 if anything.
But that’s not the point I’m here to make. My point is that this entire announcement was an amazing trainwreck that I still treasure. The fact that this massive show that’s all about building hype for big games ended with a noticeably tipsy Michelle Rodriguez and Vin Diesel slurring their lines and showing off a trailer for a game that looks like it could have been released for the PS2 is incredible. Also, Rodriguez’s pronunciation of Tekken should be the new canon way to say it.
Flash forward a year to 2020. I was sitting and watching The Game Awards, and all I could think about was, “man, I wish Vin Diesel would show up to announce another game that looks janky as hell.”
And much to my utter elation, my prayers were answered.
Out of nowhere, Mr. Diesel appeared in this trailer sporting a loincloth and waving a big stick in the face of a Tyrannosaurus rex. Nearly everything about it was glorious. The stiff combat, Scorpion King-esque animations, annoying child that seemed to have climbed straight out of the uncanny valley, and so much more. Nothing about it made me want to play Ark 2. All I want now is more bad game trailers starring Vin Diesel.
I have to assume that had the world not been in the midst of a pandemic the great Sir Diesel would have been up on that stage presenting this trailer for all to see. Perhaps he might have a few white wine spritzers beforehand, but he’d be excited to see himself portrayed as the greatest caveman who ever lived (it’s the role he was born to play baby!).
That’s two years in a row we’ve gotten a dose of Diesel and I don’t want the ride to end. That’s why I’m putting out the call to each and every game studio to find a way to put Vin Diesel in your game. I don’t care how shoehorned it is just do it.
He can be the newest character in Smash. He can be a skin in Fortnite (actually I’m surprised that hasn’t happened already.) Maybe an indie studio can make an adorable platformer starring him. Or he could appear in a Soulslike but it involves cars somehow. Or someone could just make a new Chronicles Of Riddick game because that’s the best game he’s ever been in (unless you’re a big Wheelman fan).
It doesn’t matter what the game is. All that matters is that there’s an elaborate game trailer starring Dr. Vincent Aloysius Diesel that premieres at The Game Awards. I want to see Geoff Keighley leap into the air, click his heels together, and proclaim, “Vin Diesel has arrived! Bow to your new gaming god!” And then Vin comes out, mumbles something borderline incomprehensible, and shows us a trailer with his face digitally stapled to a CGI-man.
See If You Can Find A Spot For Michelle Rodriguez Too
Traditions are important. They keep us together even in the most trying of times. This is something that we all need. So gaming industry, stop what you’re doing, and find a way to include Vin Diesel in your plans from now on.
Hell, there’s a new Mass Effect coming and I know just the guy who could easily replace Commander Shepard.
NEXT: The Last Of Us Part 2’s Game Awards Win Is A Loss For Overworked Developers
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- Ark: Survival Evolved
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Jamie Latour is a writer and actor based out of Toronto, Ontario, Canada. From his hyperactive childhood to his….Well, still hyperactive adulthood, he’s been writing and performing in some capacity for practically his entire life. His love for video games goes all the way back to the age of 4, playing Mega Man 3 for the first time on his NES. He’s an avid gamer and can be found nowadays either messing around in Red Dead 2, or being cheap as can be as Reaper in Overwatch. He’s still starting out when it comes to making online content, but aside from his writing he can found on his Twitch page under the handle SpontaneousJames. You can also find him on social media as @SpontaneousJam on Twitter (because Spontaneous James was too long apparently).
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