The big Pokemon announcements this year have been a little strange. The series is due to celebrate its 25th anniversary next week, and The Pokemon Company has promised lots more reveals and events throughout the year, potentially including the much rumoured Diamond & Pearl remakes. However, all we’ve really been given so far is an upcoming Pokemon song by Katy Perry and a Pokemon concert – scheduled for February 27, the anniversary itself – headlined by Post Malone.
Recently, we took a guess at which six Pokemon would make up Postie’s squad, and came up with Wigglytuff, Weezing, Sunflora, Slowpoke, Yamper, and Xatu. It’s a fitting team, and Xatu especially can be a formidable opponent, but I’m not convinced it’s a Championship worthy team. So ahead of the upcoming Pokemon concert, I decided to undertake a 100 percent scientific analysis of which pop star would be the best Pokemon trainer.
Like all the great maverick researchers of history, my investigation hit some stumbling blocks. Mainly, to avoid writing a million words on this, I couldn’t very well do every current pop star, could I? Obviously, Katy Perry and Post Malone make the cut, and then I decided to only consider pop stars who have previously spoken about their love of Pokemon. I figure Taylor Swift would be too busy playing her piano in the middle of the forest to notice a wild Oddish hopping by.
In the end, as well as Post and Perry, the candidates are Billie Eilish, Megan Thee Stallion, Ariana Grande, and John Mayer. We know Post’s team, so let’s kick off with Katy Perry’s.
There were a lot of Pokemon featured in the reveal trailer for Katy Perry x Pokemon, but I’m going to say only two actually make her team. The first is Weedle, since the little bug is the only one we see on a GameBoy – and therefore in an actual team – rather than just a stuffed toy or plastic figurine in the background. The second is Pikachu, since Pika features in the collaboration logo. Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say she evolves her Weedle to Beedrill, but then also probably pulls an Ash and keeps Pikachu as the cute mascot rather than its much more effective evolution, Raichu.
She’s not off to a great start, but she’s got four slots left. For those, I think clues can be found in Perry’s typically over the top set design of her music videos. For example, California Gurls is a candy-coated wonderland (as is much of the Teenage Dream album), so Slurpuff’s in there, while the Ancient Egypt-themed Dark Horse video suggests Cofagrigus makes the cut as well. With these additions, Perry’s team is already significantly stronger, but who takes those last two places? As well as her videos, Perry is well known for her garish and colourful outfits, so I think Bruxish belongs there, too. Well, I think Bruxish belongs in the bin, but I guess Katy Perry might make room for it. Finally, based on the fact that it can learn Roar (you know, like the song?) and the fact it and Katy Perry are quite loud, she gets a Loudred. A bit like Post Malone’s team, there are some heavy hitters here, but I reckon this team struggles against the Elite Four.
Next up we have Billie Eilish. She does things her own way, and I think her attitude to Pokemon would be no different, so I’m going to suggest she’s not really a trainer at all. I think she’s a Pokemon villain. Not only is she a Bad Guy (duh), she dresses like she’s fresh out of Team Skull. With her penchant for black and green, I think she brings a team loaded up with Poison types. She’s sentimental enough to have some of her favourites by her side, but high-ranking enough to have some major ‘mons in her party. How does a team of Ariados, Masquerain, Alolan Muk, Garbodor, Gengar, and Toxtricity sound? Because it sounds to me like a great team for a villain boss or a gym leader to have, but, just like Katy Perry’s squad, one that’s lacking the variety necessary to withstand the challenges of the Elite Four.
Megan Thee Stallion is where things get kicked up a notch. When Meg’s not doing hot girl shit, she’s training her Pokemon hard. The anime superfan even name-dropped Pikachu in her Fire in the Booth bars, but she’s far too competitive to have a passenger like Pika in her ranks. Thee Stallion has a well documented love of fighting games, so I think her leadoff hitter would be something like Pheromosa, one of the Ultra Beasts. Since we know she mains Mileena, Mawile fits the bill too, while her four pet dogs suggest a canine Pokemon like Granbull would also make the cut. As for the rest, she’s already demonstrated impressive career evolution, meaning an Eeveelution belongs in her party as well. Thanks to WAP, I’ll suggest Vaporeon. Then, since she’s inspired by anime so much, a Greninja joins her squad, leaving room for one more. I think Megan Thee Stallion takes this significantly more seriously than the rest so far, meaning she might even have a shiny. Let’s say it’s a shiny Charizard, since that’s the coolest one, and all that combined probably installs Megan as the one to beat.
Next up, there’s John Mayer, an avid Pokemon Go player. Much like everything else in his life, I don’t think Mayer puts all that much thought into this. He’s the kind of guy who just has things work out for him no matter what, so he’s probably got a Dragonite in his team that he just found one day, and he’s been sliding by on that ever since. Aside from that, I reckon he’s got a pretty chill team. Sandslash, Pachirisu, and Marowak are probably in there. You know, those Pokemon that are cool, but not so cool it looks like you’re trying too hard. Actually, that’s probably it. Who needs a full team when you’ve got four buds by your side? Mayer has grown more reclusive in the past few years, so a half-empty team suits him.
Ariana Grande is another big contender. We know she stays up ‘til 2am playing video games, and she was one of the first celebrities to become involved in the Pokemon Go craze in a big way. She also wore face masks before they were cool (read: necessary), wearing a Pikachu face covering to avoid being recognised and mobbed during PoGo Community Days. On top of that, she even has an Eevee tattoo, but I think in her battle team, that would be evolved into a Sylveon. Also, seeing as she’s rarely spotted without a ponytail, she needs to have a pony like Rapidash in there. Given Dangerous Woman’s latex bunny look, let’s throw a Lopunny in there too. And since a lot of Grande’s fashion runs to either grey or metallic, a Steel type should be there – but not one of those angry, clunky Steel types like Aggron. No, it’s probably something like Magearna. With two slots left, the 7 Rings singer probably has a Hoopa, too. Lastly, with her God is a Woman video in mind, it only seems fitting for Cloyster to round off the team.
In the end, it probably comes down to Ariana and Megan then. Ariana has a little bit more diversity, but with a clever moveset, Megan’s team could overcome that. It’ll be a close run thing, but I think since we know Ariana’s been savin’ up her energy, she just steals it.
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Stacey Henley is an editor for TheGamer, and can often be found journeying to the edge of the Earth, but only in video games. In real life, she normally stays home. Find her on Twitter @FiveTacey
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